ASK THE ELF IN A JAR A QUESTION

Ozma the Elf is over 500 years old and knows a lot of stuff. Send him a question at this address:

We'll catch him on a day when he's not passed out from drinking too much Terminator Stout and post your question and his answer right here on this page.
Be sure to include your name and where you live in your email!
Ozma has an attitude and does not guarantee to answer every question sent in.

QUESTIONS:

February 7, 2008
Hi Ozma,
Although I believe in the old adage that one should never discuss religion or politics with an Elf (especially after he's been drinking), I have to ask what you think about the disrespect and ridicule Dennis Kucinich received from the mainstream media. I feel it was because he's obviously part Elf and that it reflects a serious anti-Elf bias on the part of the media. I thought we had put aside such distasteful prejudices a long time ago, but it appears that I was wrong. What do you say about that? Thank you for your valuable time.
Sincerely,
Moe Berg
Everytown, USA
Ozma the Elf responds:
Hello, "Moe." On the move AGAIN, eh? Okay, we won't talk about that. You are right about Kucinich. He has Elf all through his family. He doesn't like to talk about it, but you can't deny it. Just look at this photographic evidence:

Normal human mortals TOWER over Kucinich. And look at that smile. Doesn't it just CRY OUT I am Elf! Kucinich is related to the venerable Koochinoogle line of Elves from the Upper Darkest Koochinoogle Forest in Eastern Europe. The Koochinoogle Elves were always involved in public service (they are well known in Elf society for founding the Koochinoogle House which helped Elves displaced in the Early Bog War with gnomes that had a bad attitude), and it's very disappointing to Dennis that he's been given such a cold shoulder in the campaign. As an Elf, he's used to it, but it doesn't mean he's giving up.
September 27, 2007
Hi Ozma,
Now that Halloween season is here, I was wondering if you would be interested in sharing your thoughts on Goblins. Are they really evil, or just misunderstood? Also, is it true that they'll get you if you don't watch out? Thanks for your time!
Moe Berg
Hellmouth, Arizona
Ozma the Elf responds:
What the hell is up with your location "Moe Berg?" One minute you're in Wisconsin, the next you're in Arizona. You think an elf doesn't notice when someone tries to pull a fast one? Who are you hiding from? Is it a local matter, or are the Feds involved? Does this have anything to do with that attempt to manipulate the price of pork futures a few months back? Where are the diamonds? Above all, where's the beer you promised?
As for goblins, they're just a ragtag bunch of moronic wankers with a good PR firm. Goblins never did anything really memorable and they never will. Keep your eyes on elves. That's where it's at.
February 7, 2007
Hi Ozma,
Does it bother you that all the elves in the "Lord of the Rings" movies were played by humans? And do you feel that the absence of elvish directors reflects an anti-elf bias in Hollywood? Thank you for your time.
Moe Berg, Stevens Point, Wisconsin
Ozma the Elf responds:
Moe, you hit the nail right on the head! There are a lot of competant Elves in Hollywood trying to get work and they're STARVING. Nobody will hire them! Okay, so they tend to show up at auditions naked and drunk, but couldn't they at least look at their reels? Peter Jackson had a chance to mend a lot of fences with the Elf community but he really copped out. Anti-Elf bias in the film community is legion. Don't even get me started on that moron Will Ferrell. Elves were right there at the birth of the film industry. Lumiere? Most of his later stuff was actually directed by a very talented French Elf who later came to Hollywood and was blacklisted by DeMille. That's where all the hard feelings began and it continues today. Some Elves have tried to start an indie film scene in Hollywood but it's hard to get funding. Appeals to Robert Redford have gone unanswered.
February 3, 2007
Hi Ozma: If Big Joe is the future of radio, what are you?
Regards, Phil Kushnir, Vancouver, BC
Ozma the Elf responds:
Have you read anything on this website? I'M AN ELF. A beer guzzling, pizza munching, musically gifted, magicly endowed elemental creature with an attitude who could make things difficult for anyone who bugs him too much
January 31, 2007:
Hy Ozma are you from the land of oz?This Ken from chicago the home Da Bears.Well anyway enough about me.I was just wondering if you play a instrument in that small jar of yours.I hope he is not to drunk(burp).
Ken, Chicago, Illinois
Ozma the Elf responds:
I did have a few too many last night, but I'm feeling better now. I am not from Oz, but I have been there. Got in a few scrapes with some uppity Munchins. I do play an instrument- the marrinestrant. It's a special Elvish instrument and if Humans hear it they fall into a deep trance, so you probably don't want me to demonstrate my musical prowess.
January 26, 2007:
When you staging a putsch and taking over NeverendingWonder?
- David, West Vancouver, BC
Ozma the Elf responds:
I don't need to. I already run the whole thing. I just keep that Uncle Ozma guy around as a figurehead. He answers the email and does all the grunt work like ripping CDs for the radio station. Who wants to do that boring stuff? Believe me, when I snap my fingers, he jumps. DON'T tell him I said this though- he has a typically delicate Human ego and likes to think he's important.
Do you know how to do the hot dog? Will your jar break if you try?
RaM, Florida
Ozma the Elf responds:
Let me just say this: Everyone I've done the Hot Dog with has been VERY happy I did. Say no more.
If you could escape out of the jar, where would you like to visit the most?
Joe, Jefferson City, Mo
Ozma the Elf responds:
Brother, I've been everywhere. I don't need to go anywhere. What I discovered long ago was that no matter where you go, there's somebody complaining about how bad the food is. Long as Uncle Ozma keeps buying the pizza and beer I'll hang around.
What happens when you have to fart in the jar?
RaM, Florida
Ozma the Elf responds:
How rude. Elves don't fart.
hi ozma the elf ken here from chicago.I would like to know if you did not live in a jar where would you live and why?
Ken, Chicago, Illinois
Ozma the Elf responds:
Believe me, I've lived a lot of different places. I lived in one of Napoleon's boots for a while. He kept them immaculate. Spent some time inhabiting an elephant's ear canal. Lived in the sewers of Paris with some kook named Erik. Had a fun time with some eagles in the Grand Canyon. I even lived in a bathroom in Wrigley Field for a while. I go where the fates take me. I might try a stint in a large metropolitan library. Books are cool and there are still a lot I haven't read. It's harder to sneak pizza into a library, though.
hi ozma i would like to know if you are going to see the Chicago Bears in Flordia and if you do say hi to ramonda for me.I bet you have a real small computer in your jar.I hope its a mac.
Ken, Chicago, Illinois
Ozma the Elf responds:
No way. There's alligators there. My computer is not a PC or a Mac. It's a special Elvish design that never crashes, never needs upgrading and never runs out of space. I have to guard it carefully as both Bill Gates and Steve Jobs have been trying to steal it for years..

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